Fantasy Football

There are many things I fantasize about: fudge brownies with 0 calories, size 4 jeans that are just too big, a hairdo that withstands 100% humidity, and a bank balance with more than one digit in front of the decimal- but never, under any circumstances, would football be any part of my daydreams. Y-chromosomes, however, spend the majority of their waking hours from August through February obsessing over the statistics of their totally made-up football team. Now I can understand being a fan and I can even understand wanting to be a player, but I have recently discovered that these weekend warriors have no actual interest in getting their ass off the couch, on the contrary, they very much want to be on the couch, in front of the television for 14 straight hours, pretending they control the movements of an entirely fictional team of athletes with whom they will never have even the remotest contact.

When I began dating Sweetpotato, I recognized that for this relationship to work I was going have to at least feign interest in his inane, head-bashing sports, and even resigned myself to cheering for his team, not that I really understand what they're doing... but whatever. Watching one team play one game on Sunday is not a big deal, especially since I require brunch, complete with mimosas, the entire time. Watching every damn NFL game for two solid days to compile a fake team's imaginary score, is something else altogether. What's more is the insane amount of time these boys devote to the player selection, position manipulation, and record calculation for their internet "dream team." And I realize that this keeps them occupied, which is fabulous for us women if we'd actually like to accomplish something over the weekend, but for all practicality I just can't understand the fascination. Perhaps if their were some league where we could select all the best styles in pants, shirts, shoes and accessories and tabulate points accrued during weekly fashion shows, then perhaps women would waste obscene amounts of money to design their perfect outfit. Until then, I can only sigh at the amount of accumulative brain power the Y's are wasting in their pursuit of the perfect make-believe team. But then, on second thought, how much brain power could actually be generated by people whose soul focus in life is to have their imagination dominate their friends' imaginations. Someone should tell those boys that having the best score in fantasy football is kind of like having the best score in Scrabble - kinda cool in your geek world and rather embarrassing in the real one.