Nick & Jessica

So, Nick and Jessica, now there's a match made in tabloid heaven. Now they were cute and all, back when all you knew was one of the then 13 blond pop singers was marrying a member of one of the then 200 boy bands. But then came the television show, and things just spiraled out of control. I mean of course I watched the damn thing, it was a freakin' train wreck! How anyone could survive twenty years of life being such a moron as Jessica Simpson, I simply do not know, but survive she did, and has now managed to thrust herself into every market in the world - music, film, television, clothing, fragrance. My god, the girl has more subsidiaries than Viacom, in fact, she may have licensed them as well.

Nick, I would love to like, I mean he's got more money than he can shake a stick at, yet he still drinks Miller Lite (beer of my childhood), and just wants to sit around with his meathead friends watching football and eating chicken wings. However, I can't really support him either because, for as much as he's the more "down to earth" partner, he did buy her a Louis Vuitton dog carrier, and that is just disgusting. I mean even if I didn't abhor Louis (who wants someone else's initials all over your hangbag?), $ 1,300 to hold your mutt...I don't think so.

So here we have a classic case of pretty people who take great pictures together exploiting their relationship for all of America to see in the name of love, oh and lots of press. You see, they were doomed from the word go, and not just because she thinks Chicken of the Sea is actually ground poultry. Why on earth would you put your first year of marriage on display? Living with someone is always a challenge, I mean you know I love Sweetpotato but I swear if he leaves one more cup in my living room... All I'm saying is folks need to work stuff out sometimes, and with a camera in your face 24/7, that's not so easy. And then you have the money, I mean Jessica blew up right after her first nose job, and suddenly she and Nick (by virtue of their marriage license) had more money and fame than they knew what to do with. So when they had a fight he could fly off and party it up in Vegas, which always solves marital problems. I mean when the "dog house" is a penthouse at the Bellagio, who cares! Whereas, Sweetpotato has to be on his behavior because his dog house is the couch, I like to keep it that way.

And maybe her dad is a controlling ass, and maybe Nick did have an affair, and maybe Jessica is a whiny bitch. I see all these as highly probable. They have too much money, too much free time, and too few values. But really, why are we so saddened by the news of their split? Because two bubble-head beauties have parted ways? Come on now, they'll be seeing other gorgeous idiots in no time! It's not as if they were brokering world peace (or could even define the word "broker"), or say, adopting starving orphans like another couple we should mention...