Advice from Romantics Network

Just thought I'd share a column with ya'll, seeing as how my readership is mainly female and I want you all to benefit from the questions of a few...

Dear Queenan,

I have been single for about a year now (out of a long running relationship that ended, thankfully, amicably). However, I think he may have been the last nice boy in NYC though. Well, at least the last boy to actually follow up on his word. I have met, dated, kissed and subsequently been disappointed by nearly every single boy since... my question is, why do these boys waste our time with the lip service? Why do they feel the need to lie when they never intend to call? Also, Manhattan, albeit inhabited by several million, is a small little island, and the circles are small - you're bound to wind up running into that girl you said you'd call but didn't at some point. And when you do, you're going to feel like a dumbass!

Queenan, why do boys bother?

Disillusioned in NYC
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Dear Disillusioned,

Darlin' the answer to your question is so very simple -- boys are dumb. At some point in their adolescence, which they are still trying to outgrow, they learned through trial and substantial error that girls get their feeling hurt very easily. Moreover, once a girl has her feelings hurt, she will cry or pout or send her friends to harass you during lunch period or find some other way to make you feel even more uncomfortable during the already your awkward faze of life riddled with braces, acne, and body odor. In the very Darwinistic society that is high school, the fittest males survived by keeping keeping the females at bay. Because the Y-chromosome is naturally handicapped with defunct communication skills, it found lying to be the best method of quelling a female's tantrum.

Honey, men are awkward, from their oddly positioned and randomly misfiring anatomy, all the way to their often unused and randomly misfiring brains. Most often they tell you they'll call just to make sure you don't cry (all males live in fear of the welling woman), which is ridiculous of course as we'd never cry in front of them over something so trivial. Sometimes, though, they say they'll call because they fully intend to but are subsequently plagued by the idiocy of their species and lose either the balls to dial the number or the paper the number was written on. More than one great romance has died in the swirling waters of the washing machine.

Now your question about why they would not follow through knowing they'll run into you again, well, sweetheart, it's simply not valid. You see, they don't know they'll run in to you again, and yes, they are that stupid, sorry to keep repeating myself. When a Y is uncomfortable, he can't think beyond getting himself out of the situation unscathed by tongue or tears, hence his ability to process rational thought is replaced by the fight or flight instinct. Alas, we remain such primitive beings. We women know Manhattan is a Small Town After All, but men refuse to see how an island 13 miles across might be a bit confining.

What I don't want to do, however, is leave you thinkin' that all Ys are trying to run away from you or that your Ex was the last good man in the whole of New York. Men are stunted, bless their hearts, but they are not inherently evil. In fact, most of them just need a little training, oh yes, and to be over 30 years old. If I were you, I would not cease my search just yet, I mean you'd have to start buying your own drinks and that will just not do! The truth is that you may have to put forth a little effort yourself. I know this is contrary to every rule a good Southern girl is taught, but honey, this is New York in 2006 and there ain't nothin' in this world coming to ya without a little work. Besides, I find it highly insulting that some man would think I was gonna wait around on my couch for his call. If I want to go out with someone, well then I'm going to tell them to take me out. You need to empower yourself and pick up the damn phone! My god, why on earth would you leave your weekend plans in the hands of a sex so clearly incapable and yet so easily manipulated?!

The bottom line my dear, is that you need to stop bemoaning your fate as the forgotten and start kickin' ass and takin' names!

Royally,
Q