TomKat

Okay, it's time. We MUST discuss the stomach-churning, media-whoring, tabloid-selling relationship of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. As a former resident of Dawson's Creek country, I felt a certain kinship to Katie, even though she does talk out of the side of her mouth and slouch in a most in flattering fashion. Regardless, she seemed rather sweet and innocent, away from the clutches of the Hollywood machine. Alas, when the show ended and she could no longer find work as an average-looking awkward teenager, she turned to prostitution. I mean, let's just call it what it is.

Now look here, Tom, no one believes for one second that you are any less gay now than you were before you started this ridiculous couch-jumping campaign. In fact, the few people in America who actually thought you had sex with Nicole Kidman are now totally convinced you swing the other way. Take poor Sweetpotato, for example. I mean he bought into your whole macho fighter pilot/race car driver crap, until the Oprah incident, at which point he determined your behavior to be totally unacceptable for any straight man. I mean he luuurrves me and all, but he's never bounced on the furniture about it. So anyway, we're all on to your buy-a-bride scheme - find an actress whose career needs a boost, parade her around at press events, part amicably after pre-determined time period. Repeat as necessary. This time you went so far as to have her knocked up, which must have cost you considerably more than Nicole or Penelope.

Anyway, we get it, you're in "love," you bought a sonogram machine (freak), you're all spiritual now. Whatever. I would just love to see Katie have a little postpartum and you tell her to go for a nice jog. I hope she stabs you in the eye. Ya'll just need to go away, which judging by the direction of your careers as of late, may not be so hard to do. So why don't ya'll just ride off into the sunset and wait out the remainder of your contract in a silent room wearing your matching sunglasses (which, by the way, they are incredibly rude to wear during an interview).
Again, let us say a little prayer for the unborn child of Katie and whoever donated their sperm, for a life of schizophrenic Scientology awaits.