Oh Say, Did You See?

I am so sorry, I normally like to do my weekend re-cap on Monday, but I was still in recovery from the Superbowl, or at least the entertainment portion. Every year I wait excitedly for the National Anthem, and every year they drag out some mediocre has-been who attempts to sing the world's most difficult tune in the middle of a reverberating stadium filled with screaming fans. And this year, sadly, was no different. Now you've got the country's most powerful and inspiring anthem sung in quivering hicups by a sexually confused performer who should have retired after the cotton commercials. And Aaron, honey, can we please do something about that growth on your head. I don't care if it's connected to the largest artery in your face, it is not a "trademark," it is a mark of the beast, so let's get it removed, okay?

And Lord, Aretha. The woman can sing, there's no denying that. Now if her lungs had half the capacity of her stomach, that'd be quite a feat! Looks like when she left the stage she headed straight for the buffet, and hasn't come up for air too often. And once again, folks can't even dress up for important events. There she was in some pants and a little tee-shirt (and by little you know I mean size-of-a-grand-piano-cover). Could put on a dress or something, I mean the song's only 2 and a half minutes long, and then you could get right back into your spandex, I promise. And then you know she had to wear the jacket. Ya'll know I have no problem with fur, I mean the animal's dead, what does he need it for? Anyway, if you're gonna wear fifty-seven carcasses that I know cost you about a go-gillion dollars, you should at least make sure they don't look like nappy acrylic from JC Penny.

So now you have the warbler and the wailer, add in the gospel choir and the time-delay, and you have the most atrocious rendition of our National Anthem since Roseanne Barr. I mean they slaughtered that poor song. I couldn't understand a damn word they sang, and I've had that song memorized for 25 years. Couldn't ABC get Whitney Houston off the crack-pipe long enough to give us a nice rendition? The Superbowl's only about the snackin' and the singin' for 90% of the viewers anyway.

All that to say, I was less than pleased with the performance, and therefore declare that I will absolutely not watch football again, for at least 8 MONTHS!! (Hallelujah!)