What would you like for dinner?

Ya'll will not even believe what I had for dinner last night. I was forced into this place, lodged deep in the heart of Bohemia, whose niche was macrobiotic food. MACROBIOTIC. What the hell is that and why would I want to relive the nightmare of chemistry class during dinner?!

To be sure I still cannot tell you what macrobiotic is, but I can tell you what it is not...tasty. There were at least 50 items on this menu, and not a one of them fit to eat. The food came out looking like an unwashed garden of root vegetables and the stuff that grows out of the cracks in the sidewalks, and it tasted, well yes, basically like a piece of grass that had been trodden upon. There was not a single potato, tomato or eggplant on the menu. Why, you might ask, would these deliciously healthy items be omitted? Oh, well they're toxic of course! The menu even had a long paragraph explaining the poisonous vegetables, can you imagine? I mean, if you have to devote half a page of your menu to its own explanation, you might want to consider serving something else.

Now, you know my first reaction when faced with adversity, dining or otherwise, is to order a cocktail as quickly as possible. Of course all they had were beers I'd never heard of and organic wine. "Organic" being code for "tastes like dirt." And forget having a nice roll with your meal, all their breads are made of spelt, which is possibly the least appetizing word in the English language.

My companions had no problem with any of this, as they chewed, and chewed their undercooked piles of roughage. Of course these are the same people who have rocks fastened to their cell phones with electrical tape to ward off cancer. All those crazy folks studying oncology are just wastin' their money, when apparently all you have to do is rub a stone on your face and you're cancer-free!

Finally the meal, such as it is, has finished and I make my escape to the subway via the deli. I mean what good is eating healthy if you can't celebrate with a little Rocky Road?