Acceptable Date Venues

I know this girl, we shall call her...Tina, and she lives down below the Mason-Dixon in the land of my birth. We share many of the same values, morals, genomes even, but then there are times like when I hear tales of her dating life, that I can not believe we share DNA. For example, she calls to tell me about her latest "date," which I was excited to hear until she said the words firing range. Apparently, she and this guy spend time together while shooting at paper targets in a field. No cocktails, no dinner, hell this guy can't even buy her a movie ticket, though I understand he once paid for her box of shotgun shells. Nothing says love like a rifle.

I mean you can imagine my distress when I discovered that one of my own relations was so completely clueless! Not only is she not getting free meals, she's actually firing a gun...on a date...for no apparent reason. So I got to thinking and have come up with a list of venues which are NEVER to be considered appropriate for dates, no matter how desperate one may be for companionship.

1) The Firing Range- obviously - gun play does not equal foreplay

2) The Laundromat - I am not your mom, I do not want to touch your stinky drawers, nor do I want you to touch mine. Hell I haven't done my own laundry in 4 years, so you just drop your laundry off with those nice little dry cleaner folks and they'll fold it up real nice for ya.

3) The Wal-mart - okay, now I love a bargain as much as the next person, but spending hours in a warehouse full of toothless rednecks doesn't really set a romantic mood. You ever heard, "then he kissed me, under the fluorescent lights by lawn furniture" ? Didn't think so.

4) The Car Wash - this activity falls into the category of "errands you run before a date." The swirling soapy waters are not a turn-on, nor is the sweaty, pimply teenager vacuuming out your back seat.

5) The Gym - Now I'm all for working up a sweat with a guy, but not on side-by-side treadmills. I mean come on, have you looked in a mirror after you work out, do you think you look sexy with your beet-red face and pit-stained tee-shirt? And if you do look fresh and cute after a work-out, then you need to work-out a little harder. Dating is about pretending you're cooler than you really are, so don't blow the illusion right out of the gate...let him go first.

In a perfect world, all date venues would serve alcohol, but I will concede for the sake of you sober folks that dry events can still be considered dates. I would not, however, attempt too many non-alcoholic ventures until you're really sure you like the guy, cause the only thing worse than a bad date is a bad date with no vodka!