When Bad Things Happen to Bad People

You know, if you listen to the all the "good" folks in the world, you probably take pity on those folks riddled with tragedy, as well you should. However, don't for a minute forget that sometimes bad things happen to bad people...and that's just fine.

Take for example the day you see your arch-nemesis from high school has submitted her engagement photo to the local newspaper. Of course now that her convenient case of bulemia has been replaced by a dependency on anti-depressants, she looks like the heifer you have always known her to be, and it's okay to revel in the fact that her tricep is as big around as a tree trunk and her fiancee bears a striking resemblance to Lex Luther. It's not your fault she looks just like her momma, who by all accounts is a very unattractive and socially retarded troll of a woman.

** Before anyone threatens me with a libel suit, please note that according to my Royal Legal Council, "TRUTH is an absolute defense in a defamation suit."

In the same way that we rejoice in the misfortunes of Britney Spears, we are by rights allowed to laugh at other stupid individuals whose societal contributions total in negative numbers.

In the holiest of weeks for a couple of the world's major religions, I want to point out that the idea of "turning the other cheek" is most useful so that your foes won't be able to read your lips while you're talking shit about them. I am not a bad person, and it is not my fault that this girl doesn't own enough long-sleeve shirts, so don't go clickin' your tongue at me. I am simply stating the obvious and enjoying every minute of it.

The point is, were she a nice person, I might be able to overlook the unfortunate photo, but she is not a nice person so I don't have to. I'll be just be re-covering my dart board if anyone needs me....