Kitchen Wars
So the night before last I decide it was high time Sweetpotato and I had a home-cooked meal, and lacking any other home to go to, I finally broke down and opened up a cookbook. Now I know you're thinking, "But Queenie, do you mean to tell us a good Southern girl like you doesn't know how to cook?" Yes, that's exactly what I mean to tell you. Recall that I bake, which is way better than cooking. When you bake something, you put a few things in a bowl, stir them up and leave them in the oven for an hour while you go about watching your shows or plucking your eyebrows or whatever the hell you wanna do. With cooking, you gotta stand over that hot stove constantly flippin' and stirrin' and waitin' and you know I just can't be bothered. Plus, I have yet to taste anything coming out of a crockpot that tastes nearly as good as anything coming out of an oven (not enough lard in the crockpot you know).
Anyway, like I was saying, I broke the spine of a cookbook I've had for a while and produced the most delicious seared pork chop. Sweetpotato was so impressed he offered to cook for me the next night, which I thought was so nice until I returned home, expecting his famous tuna casserole, only to find that bastard had shown me up!! He has been threatening me with his cooking abilities since I met him, and after 2 years and about 17 tuna casseroles I had of course assumed they were idle promises that would never come to fruition. But you know once I tested out the waters in our kitchen that fool had to jump right on in and start splashing all over me.
He started out with mozzarella caprese, yeah, yeah, anybody can cut up cheese. Then there was the salad, it comes in pre-washed bags at the supermarket so again, not impressed. And just as I'm smugly waiting for what I'm sure will be a simple meat and potato kind of entree, in he burst with a platter of wasabi encrusted scallops over roasted corn and tomato relish with potato latkes! WHAT?!?! I mean to tell you I jumped right up and scoured the kitchen for take-out bags only to find the fresh ingredients scattered about the counter. The man made a peach coulis for Christ's sake...what an ass. Here I am patting myself on the back for a stupid piece a pork, and he's pureeing fruit. Did y'all know a blender could be used for something other than frozen cocktails? Go figure!
Well let me tell you, that man has cooked his own goose and scallops and everything else, cause now that this culinary expertise is out in the open, I'll be damned if I'm going back in that kitchen. 'Bout the only thing I'm gonna slave over is a hot phone, cause if my efforts are gonna be squashed I'll just sit my happy ass on the couch and wait for the doorbell to ring.
And don't you dare tell him, but it was de-lish-i-ous, and I can certainly get used to the idea of being cooked for every night. Now if only I could train the dog to do the dishes I'd be all set.
Anyway, like I was saying, I broke the spine of a cookbook I've had for a while and produced the most delicious seared pork chop. Sweetpotato was so impressed he offered to cook for me the next night, which I thought was so nice until I returned home, expecting his famous tuna casserole, only to find that bastard had shown me up!! He has been threatening me with his cooking abilities since I met him, and after 2 years and about 17 tuna casseroles I had of course assumed they were idle promises that would never come to fruition. But you know once I tested out the waters in our kitchen that fool had to jump right on in and start splashing all over me.
He started out with mozzarella caprese, yeah, yeah, anybody can cut up cheese. Then there was the salad, it comes in pre-washed bags at the supermarket so again, not impressed. And just as I'm smugly waiting for what I'm sure will be a simple meat and potato kind of entree, in he burst with a platter of wasabi encrusted scallops over roasted corn and tomato relish with potato latkes! WHAT?!?! I mean to tell you I jumped right up and scoured the kitchen for take-out bags only to find the fresh ingredients scattered about the counter. The man made a peach coulis for Christ's sake...what an ass. Here I am patting myself on the back for a stupid piece a pork, and he's pureeing fruit. Did y'all know a blender could be used for something other than frozen cocktails? Go figure!
Well let me tell you, that man has cooked his own goose and scallops and everything else, cause now that this culinary expertise is out in the open, I'll be damned if I'm going back in that kitchen. 'Bout the only thing I'm gonna slave over is a hot phone, cause if my efforts are gonna be squashed I'll just sit my happy ass on the couch and wait for the doorbell to ring.
And don't you dare tell him, but it was de-lish-i-ous, and I can certainly get used to the idea of being cooked for every night. Now if only I could train the dog to do the dishes I'd be all set.
posted by Queenan at 6:35 AM
4 Comments:
Just so you know...anyone can cook! As a single girl in NYC I used my stove to store cereal boxs. I didn't even boil water until after I was married and realized someone was going to have to be in charge of feeding us. Since I can't eat bad stir-fry for the rest of my life, my darling spous' idea of coking, I bought a BIG, (not thick)very tall cook book with lots of pictures and clearly labeled steps. And every night I made a feast. I frankly couldn't believe I had cooked these meals.
So...DO NOT be shown up in the kitchen or anywhere else for that matter! Unless, of course, you are smarter than me and are taking steps to avoid being the spouse responsible for the cooking. If that is the case, pretend you suck at it and let him cook for you the rest of your marriage.
You see darlin', I must let him have these brief glimpses of triumph...it takes away the sting of knowing he'll never win an argument, have the last word, or make the final decision again in his life;-)
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