What Would Queenan Do?

So now here's the question... how do you get out of sayin something nice to someone when you know you don't mean it? Y'all know ol Queenie doesn't often have this problem, as I make niceties the aberration not the norm, but friends of mine sometimes have this issue. We've all been in the situation where you feel forced to comment on the dress, weight, hair, etc of someone whose eyeballs you've been longing to stab for years. We all know the easy way is to just give the unfelt compliment and call it a day, but when you just can't stomach the hypocrisy, you have to go 'round the matter rather than through it.

For example: It is the birthday of someone who's existence is an infringement on your air space, someone who is judge, jury and executioner of all morality and feels deemed by God to save your wayward soul. Of course this person whores it about in the tightest damn clothes she can get her hands on and the shortest skirts her tree-trunk legs can support. Legs which, by the way, are not locked tight at the knee as she would have everyone believe.

So here you are, surrounded by her lackeys who are all wishing her a Happy Birthday and the obviously polite thing to do is wish her one as well, only you don't want her to have a Happy Birthday, you want to rip the extensions out of her nappy head. And you think, "What Would Queenan Do?" Well friends, much as I would like to rip a bald spot in her scalp, you know Queenie would never behave with such impropriety in public, for you never have the upper hand if you sink to trashy behavior. Rather than head straight into the Happy Birthday territory, you skate around it with a, "oh it's your birthday?" Once you've passed the window for the well-wishes, you go in for the kill..." wow, another year older...guess it's time to get rid of all those clothes from Forever 21 (or similarly trashtastic store). You may have to replace your whole closet, you'd better get busy," tossed over your shoulder as you walk away.

Now you see what you've done, you've managed to insult her taste, her wardrobe, her age, and get yourself outta there before you scratch her eyes out. By the time she figures out what just happened, you're at the other end of the bar on your third cocktail.
**By the way, I suggest confronting these situations during your first drink so as to communicate clearly. The upper-hand is also lost if you're slurring.

Additional resources:

**For the skinny bitch who ain't so skinny anymore - "Well, don't you just look so healthy!"
**For the fashion atrocity who thinks she's hot-to-trot - "Well aren't you somethin'!" (you never have to say what)
**For the one showin off highlights that are the worst bottle-job you've ever seen - "Aren't those just the cutest shoes, wherever did you get them?" (this also allows you to stare at her head while she looks down)

For specific situations, just give me a shout at queenan@dearqueenan.com and I'll help you find just the right words NOT to say!