The power of free food

Lordy friends, I have been lost in the Midwest for the past few days! I was at this shindig for work, a shareholders meeting for some big company. Basically, rich folks get together for a weekend and talk about how much money they made. But let me tell you, all the money in the world clearly can't buy taste...you wouldn't believe what these folks were wearin!

Nevermind about that though (at this point, fashion crises have become the norm), this weekend I learned a valuable lesson about the power of free food. I mean you would just not believe it. Here I watched these rich folks pack into a tent like sardines in can for a few cocktails. They've got millions of dollars, yet they will line up for a cheese ball and a glass of cheap champagne...it's really quite remarkable. I mean, I belly up to the buffet line whenever possible, but then y'all know the state of my bank account isn't exactly something to write home about.

This free food phenomenon extends to all levels of success, in fact. Back when I used to wait tables (a career which left me excessively bitter with significantly little income), I once had to work this birthday party for one of the stars of Law & Order. So the restaurant was packed with celebrities, people with longstanding television careers that could surely afford to buy their own dinner. But, the minute the waiters appeared with hors d'oeuvre trays, the stars descended upon us like a swarm of bees. A pack of them hovered near the kitchen entrance, laying in wait for the sight of our crisp white shirts so they could pounce upon the stuffed mushrooms like they'd never seen food before. It got so bad, the waiters had to slip out the back and around to the front door so the folks at the front had a chance at the food. And they were shameless in their attack, not concerned with sharing...or the fact that they looked like impoverished assholes fighting over the last chicken wing.

I watched skinny Angie Harmon hiding in the back so she could suck down BBQ ribs like she was going to the chair. 'Course she probably threw them up 5 minutes later...such a waste of good ribs.

Food isn't just the way to a man's heart, oh no honey, you give it away and you can have every red-blooded American knocking on your door. It's all about the crudite, so pile it high and get the word out that it's free and you could pack a stadium with everyone from the guy in the mail room all the way up to the CEO. Oh, and make sure you call your ol pal Queenie, you know she can't miss a meal...certainly not one she doesn't have to pay for!