Close Encounters of the Ex-Kind

So a friend of mine is in the middle of a situation in which we've all found ourselves at some point, and since how we handle such situations defines us on a deeper level, I thought I'd address it with everyone.

You all know the story, date someone, break up with them, move on with your life... and then run into them again. If you live in the same town or even near the same town, the chances of this occurring are considerable, so it's best to be prepared lest you find yourself in a bad way.

First and foremost, you must have your look together! Being fabulous is the best revenge, so be sure you are lookin cute every time you leave your house. I know it's a pain if you're just gonna pop into the grocery store, but all your months of healing and growing and becoming a better version of yourself will all be shot to hell when he sees you buyin Oreos without your face on. And no one over age 18 needs to be seen in public without foundation in the first place, so do yourself a favor and get yourself together.

So then, when you do encounter the Ex, you must choose your words carefully. Never ask a question which might allow him talk about any positive things occurring in his life. The last thing you want to hear about is his great job, or vacation, or god forbid, new girlfriend. For every bit of fabulousness you allow him, yours deflates considerably. You must resist all your upbringing. You will be tempted to automatically ask "how are you?" Don't. Remember, you don't care and he might take that as the window to talk about himself and you don't want to hear it!

Do, however, take every opportunity to talk about your own fabulousness. Make it up if you have to, but find a way to work in some thrilling details of your new fabulous life. If you happen to have a new guy, don't mention him directly, just breeze over that tropical vacation "we" just took and let your Ex fill in the blanks. Nothing smacks of desperation like flaunting a new fling, and you needn't bother making him jealous, he will be anyway, so less is more in the detail division.

Always keep the encounter brief. I don't care if you've got nothing to do for the rest of the day but wash your hair and watch General Hospital, you must always appear as if you've got somewhere pressing to be and your fabulous new friends are waiting desperately for your arrival. If for no other reason than keeping the torturous moments in his presence to a minimum, you must cut the conversation off as soon as you've exposed just enough of your sassy sparkle to keep him jumpy for the rest of the day. There is nothing to be gained from prolonged conversations with someone with whom you no longer choose to associate. (If he was the one to make that decision then even more reason not to spend any time with him!)

In summary: be fabulous, busy, and unconcerned with his well-being. It's not bitchy, it's self-preservation, and it works every time.