Supermarket Sweep

I have determined why men don't like to go shopping, they simply don't know how to do it. Yet another defect of the mutant chromosome, Y's just can't seem to focus when presented with a store full of stuff, much of which they haven't seen before. I mean the beer is always near the door, right beside the chips and soda, so why would anyone venture into the wasteland of actual groceries that fill the middle of a supermarket? In our ridiculous attempt to domesticate them, we women will often try to force them into a shopping trip, which seems a good idea at the time, but quickly dissolves into a regrettable excursion by the time you park the car. It starts when you're trying to select a nice tomato from the bin of mushy mess, when you feel the spray of the vegetable hose down your back and turn to see your grown man dart behind a display of fresh corn, water trailing behind him.

So then you head for the aisles where you're pelted with bags of hot dog buns, as your 30-something sweetheart has been replaced by his 3rd-grade self. I mean to tell you, it is absolutely ridiculous what overcomes the male brain inside a supermarket. They bounce from one bright, shiny thing to the next, throwing them all in your cart without regard to cost, taste or use. Just because they now make peanut butter Oreos does not mean you have to buy them, and no, I don't think Lucky Charms are part of a balanced breakfast. You are a GROWN ASS MAN, you don't get to eat dehydrated marshmallows!!


And I know it's a biological issue. I remember as a child, the only time we ever had cookies in our house was when Mom sent Dad to the store for milk. It's like a magnetic force-field just draws men to extra stuff, always junk, and they return home triumphantly as the kids squeal with delight and they are the hero...for about twenty seconds until Mom sees the bag. I'm telling you, the Y's simply lack the focus to complete a shopping mission without diverting from the path. I once ran out of papertowels about 10 minutes before dinner was ready, so I sent Sweetpotato to the drug store, not 20 feet from our building. That fool came back half an hour later with 3 bags of Christmas decorations...in OCTOBER!

They just can't be trusted ladies, and while they are very handy for carrying the bags, it's just not worth the extra energy of trying to convince them that ice cream sandwiches don't count as a meal or that the two of you need a 20lb jar of dill pickles. If you must take them with you, be sure to keep a very close eye on them and never send them off to pick up something you forgot, lest you find boxes of mini powdered doughnuts hidden beneath the green vegetables. And while you might think they are behaving so abhorably so as not to be invited along again, don't give them too much credit honey, they are simply not smart enough for that. Praise to Lord for the Super Wal-Mart, though, cause now you can just send them to the auto parts department for 45 minutes while you get the groceries and meet them back in time to carry everything to the car. This is the only way to escape with only the groceries you need...of course you may find a new tire pump in the trunk, but as long as the extra toys go in his garage and not your kitchen, score a point for women!