Happy Heart Day

So today is the day men run about buying up whatever card is left on the shelf, praying that the sentiment expressed within satisfies their special someone for at least another year. Delis are stocked with bunches of flowers, to be purchased by the forgetful on their way home from the office. Women, of course, are waiting expectantly for the delivery trunk to arrive with a gigantic bouquet to draw the envy of their co-workers.

Crap...all of it. Valentine's Day is a holiday cleverly crafted by the folks at Hallmark to guilt people into spending exorbitant amounts of money on flowers and chocolates- both of which will be gone by the end of the week, filling trash cans and waistline to the brink. If you are one of those unfortunate people who don't have DVR and still watch commercials, you've probably been bombarded by images of proposals, jewelry purchases, weddings and other such events, but let me just tell you...manfactured holidays are no time for the "Grand Gesture." Talk about cheese ball. I don't wanna climb up to the top of the damn Empire State Building in the freezing cold with the wind whipping me in the face. This is not romantic, this is hypothermic! All grand gestures belong on their own random days...giving you another anniversary to celebrate of course.

Here are some other things that do not belong on Valentine's Day, contrary to popular option...these are 4 gifts NOT to buy:

1) Red Roses- They are lovely, yes, but come on. Red roses have to be the most over-done flower purchase in the history of flower giving. Nothing says "I am the least original person on the face of the earth" quite like a bouquet of red roses. Go for a daisy, a lily, hell a carnation, but please, spare me the red rose.

2) Cheap Chocolates- There is simply no excuse. I know folks are poor, and I'm not suggesting a $100 box of Belgian truffles, but you can spring for a little Russell Stover. In fact, now that Russell has a chart on the lid like Whitmans, you can't go wrong. There's nothing scarier than an uncharted box of chocolates...unless it's an uncharted box of cheap chocolates. I gag at the mere thought of a store-brand Maple Nut Cream.

3) Sappy Cards- Look, if you can't tell your sweetheart you love them, then you might need to work on those issues on your own time, but don't get Hallmark to do it for you. I tell you, the waves of nausea I experience every time I open a card in that place are bad enough. If Sweetpotato ever gave me a card with any of that sappy crap I'd stab him right in his eye. Nobody's love is really "the music that makes my heart dance." How about a card that says what you really feel..."I love you but I'd like you more if you put your dirty socks in the damn hamper!"...or something like that

4) Heart-shaped jewelry of ANY kind- Those of you wearing your diamond heart pendant right now should skip this one. I know it's supposed to mean he loves you, but I promise you I will remember he loves me everytime I put on my tasteful diamond studs. Jewelry says I love you on its own, making it in heart-shapes just says I try too hard. Often presenting the gift with a dozen red roses, the heart-shaped jewelry buyer should be strongly encouraged to think of something different than he gave his 3rd grade girlfriend.


And because I stand behind everything I write y'all, I will share that Sweetpotato and I will be celebrating White Trash Valentine's this year, with a dinner of beans & franks and mac & cheese (of the boxed powered cheese variety), and possibly some applesauce, so as to round out the dinner of my trailerpark childhood. This morning I gave him a tube of Slim Jims and a pack of chewing tobacco...can't wait to get home to my box 'o wine!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox