No Stars at Oscars

Y'all will have to forgive me, I'm a bit groggy this morning because I stayed up waaay past my bedtime watching the most boring Oscar show ever! My god, if they showed one more freakin' montage. I mean, you wanna show clips of the folks who died last year, ok, but there's no need to reminisce about the winners of the foreign film category cause we didn't see 'em in the first place, so we don't give a damn. I did however get a good chuckle outta the whole Dreamgirls medley, complete with lighting, choreography and gospel choir gettin' shown up by a tuxedo-clad woman with a guitar.

Alright, let's get on with it... so overall the Red Carpet was about as exciting as the show itself. It seems blush is the new black, which is really sad news for us fair freckly folks. It is, however, excellent news for Miss Jennifer Lopez.

I never thought I'd be complimenting JLo, but my girl got herself to-ge-tha. Not bad for ol' Jenny, whose block has apparently moved from the Bronx to Fifth Avenue. Who'da thought lil skinny, sickly-looking Marc Anthony could get her to cover up and glam out with such consistency? And while I do occasionally miss the JLo of the green-dress-held-on-with-double-sided-tape, I must say this time she got it right.

Quite unlike Kirsten Dunst, who was abhorrent from greasy head to feathery foot. What the hell is going on with this dress? I don't care whose vintage nonsense it is, she looks like she's wearing three different dresses at once. Like Ginger Rogers got mixed up with a Vegas showgirl who wanted to be a school teacher. Not only does the dress threaten to induce vomiting, from the neck up is all wrong too! That puny little pitiful excuse for a bun and those wretched bangs. Y'all know how I feel about bangs in the first place, and stringy thin ones aren't helping to change my mind. And Kirsten, the whole red lipstick thing is for grown folks going for the 1940's glam bombshell look. You, bombshell...uh no. Bomb went off...maybe.

Now Ms. Hudson, I know you haven't been around long, but you should make a note that it is inadvisable to appear on the Red Carpet dressed for a Star Trek convention. Sweetpotato even cried out in agony as you began the biggest night of your life lookin like you'd stole your jacket from a skinny Klingon. You can't just take the word of a designer, they make mistakes too. You're gonna need to go talk to JLo's folks, cause she too has a big ass and a propensity for blingy things, and yet, she looked like a movie star and you looked, well, more like an actual constellation.

And now for Gwyneth. So the thing is, there's nothing particularly offensive about this dress, and I'm sure someone somewhere is writing about how fabulous she is right this very moment, but I just can't stand it...or her really. Look at her, all ice princessy, and the gown, while figure-flattering, is again rather mumsy, with the sleeves and the lack of anything sexy. But you know, she has always struggled, even back when she did expose her shoulders and her boy-like chest. She really just needs to get some new people, but then I guess she's being dressed over in her new motherland, Great Britain, and we all know they're still struggling to overcome the bad hat epidemic. We should probably just be grateful she didn't arrive with a plum sprouting from her head.

So all in all, very safe, very dull, VERY poor jewelry, and probably the longest Academy Awards show ever. Tinseltown may have topped out a few years ago. I mean, if all they're really doing is recycling story lines what good are they? At least throw us a bone and dress outrageously, otherwise, what have we got to live for?