Back from the Beach!

Have you missed me? Sorry darlins, but I was off on vacation with my Sweetpotato to beautiful Puerto Rico! Being a beach girl, I can just lay in the sun for hours, readin my book, sippin my cocktail and generally ignoring the world around me. My poor hubby, well he turned into a Sweetpotato French Fry inside 2 hours and had to abort the beach mission in search of shade. I can't say I really noticed he'd gone ;-)

Now the thing about taking a beach va-ca before it's summer in your hometown, is that you have to try on all your sunning outfits while in your winter skin. I tell you, this little trip was a much better idea before I had to strip in the Lord & Taylor dressing room in March! Word of advice: Never go into a dressing room with double mirrors. If God had meant for us to see our asses, he'da put eyes in the back of ours heads!! Honey, some things are just better left undiscovered. For example: I did not need to discover that the width of my ass can no longer be contained by any one swimsuit (not even a Large size). I have always been a Medium, looks like those days have gone the way of my career on The Broadway...not gonna work out. I have always considered the Large bathing suit one step away from wearing shorts and a tee shirt to the beach. Of course now that I am a Large I will have to amend that idea to assuage my cognitive dissonance so that I can continue to wear a bikini.

I really was dealing with this whole expansion quite well until I got home and flipping through my US Weekly, found this picture of Heather Locklear, taken last week. She is Forty-Six-Freakin-Years-Old! It's simply against nature. I don't know who she sold her soul to, but I want his number.

So this is where I give up, I mean from the lounge chair no one can even see my backside, and if I keep my legs slightly bent in that sexy come hither manner you see on tv, then no one can really see the full spread of my thighs anyway. I position my book directly over my gut and if the glare from the sun hits you just right and you're forced to squint, I look just like this!