Television is Back!

I know, I know, I'm sorry I've been slack in my blogging of late, but I've really been so busy deciding on my new season of Fall Television!!

Praise the Lord, we have made it through 90 days in the desert, the summer wasteland of programming, and have found ourselves in the lush gardens of primetime once again. If I had to watch one more house-flipping show on A&E I was gonna hang myself. Aren't they all the same thing- "Flip That House," "Flip This House," "Fools With No Carpentry Skills Ignore Experts And Ultimately Cost Themselves A Fortune In Stupidity."...whatever, I never need to see one again!

Now don't go thinkin' all I do is watch television. Thanks to those 3 little magic letters- D V R, I can record everything and watch at my leisure, so as not to miss a cocktail hour. If you don't currently have a DVR or TiVo, I suggest you mortgage whatever you need to, to pay for it, cause there's lots good stuff going on.
Here's what Queenie will be watching this season:

Heroes- not because I'm so much into the comic book thing, and I am really not diggin' Hayden Panettiere, but whatever. Basically I have to watch is because this show has become one of those nation-wide phenomenons whereby if you don't watch you will be totally out of the loop with everyone you know.

House- yeah, I too am tiring of the "House is wrong and nearly kills the person 5 times before the answer dawns on him as he encounters a similar phenomenon in life," but it should be funny watching him berate his job applicants

Grey's- obviously I can't stop now, though the prospect of whiny Meredith and whiny sister are not appealing, but McDreamy continues to be, well Dreamy. Will not be watching that Addison Spin-off show, but I doubt it'll last an entire season anyway.

Ugly Betty- because Vanessa Williams continues to be fabulous...and I guess the Emmy Award-winning star ain't too shabby either

Lost- but I swear if somebody don't figure something out soon I will be writing nasty letters

Prison Break- thankfully the first 2 episodes are already moving faster than the first 2 seasons, and I do love smart, cute boys

Now there are some new shows I'm trying out, so we shall see

Cane- not overly impressed but willing to try it again for Jimmy Smitts and the fact they're already killin folks

Journeyman- this is a total rip-off of the fabulous book The Time Traveler's Wife, which if you haven't read you should! There's a movie coming out with Rachael McAdams, whom I have loved since the empty tissue boxes of The Notebook, so this show is really redundant. At least in "Quantum Leap" the guy jumped into other bodies. I may record it for a rainy day, but the jury's still out.

And of course...Gossip Girl. Now the whole show seems ridiculously unbelievable for those of us who grew up in middle-American public school, but I'm told it's not too far off of the private brothels in NYC. Bacially with "The O.C." gone, we need something with espresso-drinking high school kids with totally unreasonable predicaments and overly elevated dialog. (sigh) Whatever happened to Dawson's Creek, where the kids had totally unreasonable predicaments and overly elevated dialog but at least they drank soda.

Anything else that should be on my list....???

Emmy Looks

It's been quite a while since I've had the opportunity to bash awards show fashion, partly because folks have been behaving themselves lately, and then partly because the shows are so damn dull I can't bear to watch. Last evening's Emmy's were no different really. Ryan Seacrest was as asinine as ever, the speeches were dull, and were it not for Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Steve Carell the audience wouldn't have woken from their naps until it was time for the after-party.

It appears the celebs are tired of being bashed for their gowns, as most everyone showed up with their look to-ge-tha. The issue this year was the hair-dos. Quite a few ladies attempted the side ponytail thing, and not a one of them was successful. I mean, you can't hardly make Heidi Klum look bad, but she looked like she rode to the show with one window all the way down- frightful really.



Acourse it was a sight better than ol Kate Walsh, who A) is all the sudden in desperate need of a cheeseburger and B) looks as if she's in danger of losing her hair altogether. How does one get their hair to stand that far out from their head?





Then there's Ellen Pompeo, who often makes questionable fashion choices, modeling a coif inspired by a recent Star Trek convention. There's nothing attractive about looking like you have a malformed bubble skull - in this or any other galaxy.






And then there were the folks who just couldn't be bothered to do their hair at all. Seriously Marsha? Parted down the middle and limp as a wet noodle is what your hair does when you don't make an effort. Surely you didn't think those hideous earrings would distract us from the fact that you failed to book a stylist?



Sadly, no one consulted me about anything again this year. When will these rich, famous folks ever learn?

Why I love my husband

...because this is the subject of the email he just sent me
"Hell Hath Done Frozed Over" (remember, he's not Southern)

This was the text which I assume he copied from a celeb-sighting website:
"TORI Spelling and hubby Dean McDermott appear to be Broadway-bound. The couple has been offered starring roles in "Chicago" and "are currently in talks," Spelling's rep told us. If they ink a deal, Tori and Dean would be the third husband-and-wife couple to star together in the smash show, following Amy Spanger and Michael C. Hall, and more recently, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin."

It's he so sweet, to take time out of his busy day as a Star Sales Guy to forward me info guaranteed to send me into a rage about how the Broadway is crumbling by the moment as it allows talentless a-holes to star in shows that should have closed 5 years ago, while talented folks stand on breadlines all over the city?

This information from a man who just 3 short years ago thought "Chicago" was just a city in Illinois, and now look at him with all the cutting-edge theatrical news.

Isn't he just the sweetest Potato you ever knew?

Tori Spelling on stage is just about the most repulsive thing I've ever heard, however, and I will spare you the diatribe about the bastardization of the Broadway, as you've heard it before. But sufficed to say, Queenie would sooner stab herself in the eye than attend a single performance in which Tori Spelling so much as grunts.

The Way I Are

A week or so ago, the #3 song in the nation was by some dude named Timbaland (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) entitled "The Way I Are,"....uh, grammar anyone? I don't know what is happening to education in this country, but clearly this child got left behind!

So aside from the gross grammatical errors, there is a larger issue at hand with the lyrics of this song...namely that they promote a ridiculously unrealistic approach to dating.

The guy says: I ain’t got no money
I ain’t got no car to take you on a date
I can’t even buy you flowers
But together we be the perfect soulmates
Talk to me girl

Okay, so I'm not sayin' you got to be a millionaire to ask someone out, but come on! You don't lead with the fact that you're broke! Now because there are women out there who might even date you if they had to pick up the tab (I don't know any, but I imagine there's someone for everyone)I don't think that saying you don't have money makes you undateable, but the "ain't got no," part just might do it.

And what kind of soulmate are you gonna be, can't even buy somebody a flower? Not Queenie's soul, that's for damn sure.

Now for the really ridiculous part, the girl's response...
"I don’t need the G’s or the car keys
Boy I like you just the way you are"

Puh-leeez. This is nice in theory, but here in the real world, if you can't pick my ass up and buy it dinner, we have nothing to discuss.

The rest of the song just spirals down from there, something about strippin for tips, which I suppose is how this dude intends to fund their outings.

How you gonna tell an entire generation of already underachieving high schoolers that it is reasonable to expect that they can use their illiteracy and unemployment to pick up girls? THIS IS NOT OK!!

And whoever this girl is in the song is seriously suggesting that women should be happy with a guy that pimps them out and makes them pay for the cab home!

Yet here I sit, speaking the gospel, raising up the self-esteem of women everywhere, and I don't have a single tune on the radio!

This is all that's wrong with America folks, all that's wrong, right here in one poorly written song.

Coming Around Again...

And just when you think you've made it through the hot, sticky summer, and are ready to settle into a crisp autumn filled with long walks through the park, strolling hand-in-hand with your guy through leaf-covered sidewalks, and evenings curled up on the couch watching old movies before a crackling fireplace.... you are smacked into reality by Opening Sunday of the NFL.

Not that Sweetpotato hasn't been rumblin' about football season since May, but I was employing a skill I picked up very early on in our marriage and tuning him out. It's not that I thought I could prevent football season from coming by ignoring it, but I suppose I hoped that by giving it less credence I could somehow help SP see it as a less important part of our weekend....silly, silly Queenie.

So this past Sunday came, as I knew deep-down it would, with all the grunting and falling down and whistling blowing and armchair quarterbacking that I've know in years past. Of course Saturday was filled with pre-game coverage of any and everything football, from the scandals, to the predictions, to stories about some poor man who at age 50 can't hardly walk cause he spent his youth gettin' knocked over 50 times a day- like no one thought this would be a problem at the time?

Anyhoo, this year I am determined not to let this football mess bring my fall season to a grinding halt. No sir, this year am going to go on about my business and not be bothered. Sweetpotato can sit in front of that television all weekend long if he wants to (well not really, he's allowed one day, but that doesn't sound as good) but I am gonna carry on doing what I wanna do. If I wanna have brunch with my girlfriends, I'm gonna have brunch. If I wanna kick leaves in the park, I'm gonna carry myself right on to the park and start kickin. And if I wanna go buy myself some new shoes, guess whose credit card is comin with me? That's right honey, if you're gonna be watchin pigskin then I'm gonna be buying calfskin. And don't come cryin to me when you get the bill cause you had the option to distract me by a walk in the park, alas, you chose door #2.

Just think of all the things you can accomplish while they're getting agita over some silly little game. I have already begun my Christmas shopping and baked quite a few new goodies. Now that I've finally released the idea that football will somehow disappear from the American consciousness, I can see the benefits of having the boys entertained for a day while I go about my business.

Remember ladies, quality time does not include sportscenter, but it might very well include Bloomingdales.

Summer's End

And so the summer is over before it even began, it seems. Well, maybe some of you drank umbrella-topped cocktails by the shore, but my pasty ass hardly saw the sun, so I'm not even sad about the passing of the season. I have resigned myself to the sad realization that the summers of my adulthood will never be the sunbathed weeks of frolicking that filled my adolescence. Alas, some of us have to work for a living (why "us" must include myself I have not yet been able to work out).

This week the subways are packed with tanned skin stuffed back into dull suits, all fighting for the same car, having lost all their vacation relaxation in the hustle of rush hour. And since we're all returning to full-time work focus, it's time to remind everyone about appropriate fall attire, specifically that it's time to put away your whites.

Now I know some of you are nodding along and some of you are rolling your eyes wondering why your generally progressive Queenie insists on maintaining these antiquated fashion notions. First of all, let me remind y'all that I am from the South, where wearing white after Labor Day ranks among the highest of fashion offenses, thus the rule is strictly adhered to at all costs. I will grant you that September is often a very warm month, especially for those living in a New York Retirement Community (aka Florida), and while I do think lighter fabrics are still acceptable I still think it's time to put away your white pants.

Later in the fall season we will introduce those shades known as "winter white," which will be acceptable, but not so early in the season. The issue I find it that it's a very fine line between fashion forward and just wrong and because I tend to teeter on that line so very often, I find that in certain instances it's best to just stay away from it altogether.

I'm not saying you've got to break out your black wool sweaters or anything, but the stark white pant and white dress shoe (which you shouldn't really own in the first place), well they need to be packed on up. Sadly, in many cases, such as the one in my closet, we never lost those last couple of pounds needed to wear those white pants decently, so they will have to be packed away unused, in hopes that next summer will bring the miraculous loss of this year's and last year's winter weight. (Of course these pants will never actually be worn again, but it is the American Dream that keeps us holding on to clothes 3 years too long before we give into their Goodwill destiny).

So let us all carve out a little time this weekend to begin switching over our closets- Nothing drastic, just the bright whites, and maybe the backless tops. And do yourself a favor in the name of limited closet space, if you didn't wear it even once this season or it's a little tight around the waist, just get rid of it, lest you find yourself repacking it unworn in Sept 09!!