10 commandments of Cosmetics

So recently I have noticed quite a few folks committing the most egregious make-up mistakes, and well, I simply cannot allow any more time to pass without addressing a few of the most serious issues, hence...


The Ten Commandments of Cosmetics


I. Thou shalt have no cosmetics before foundation. Truly the cornerstone of the make-up application process, for without a solid foundation, all other make-up just falls off your face. Many folks think they can just brush on some powder and head on their way, of course these are the same blotchy-faced fools you encounter at the deli and desperately want to give them your determatolagist's number. I know you'’re a "“natural beauty" and all, but a thin layer of foundation never hurt anybody.


II. Thou shalt keep thy beauty in Vain. I mean look, unless you're Joan Rivers, you've got one face for about 80 years so you can'’t take it foregranted. Who cares that your boyfriend thinks spa treatments are a waste of money, what the hell does he know anyway, one look in the 10x mirror and he'll be exfoliating before you can say '“blackhead.' I personally have never passed a mirror in which I didn'’t glance, or any reflective surface for that matter. Checking the accuracy of one'’s make-up application is not about vanity, it'’s about responsibility.

III. Remember to keep the appointment day. What do you think keeps celebrity skin radiant and flawless? Well other than an airbrush. Regularly scheduled facials of course! I mean how else to you combat the signs of cocaine addiction and sleep deprivation. Even those of us who live beyond the bright lights of Hollywood need regular facial peels. Missing an appointment could result in the wrath of the receptionist, so best to arrive early and tip generously.


IV. Honor thy moisturizer and thy eye cream. There is nothing worse than trying to smear foundation on a flaky face, crusty nose and peeling chin. No child, don'’t you ever, EVER wash your face without applying a generous layer of lotion. Some folks find eye cream unnecessary, but I consider it a right of passage for every woman over 25. There is no such thing as a "fine line," honey, if I can see a line it is certainly not fine with me!


V. Thou shalt not wear blue eye shadow. Ever. Under any circumstances. And I know there will be some summer trend about pastel lids, but just stick with the neutrals please. I don'’t mind a little sizzle in the celebrity shadow category, but regular folks just can't be trusted to make good choices when it comes to colored shadow, and it'’s a slippery slope from Hipster 2006 to Disco 1976. Like its cousin, Frosted Lipstick, blue eye shadow is a make-up faux pas women have been struggling to overcome for decades, yet every season brings a trendy challenge which should be left to the professionals and never attempted at home!


VI. Thou shalt not draw on thy eyebrows. If you cannot grow them yourself you need to consult a specialist, but crayon is not a suitable substitute. Now a little filling in is fine, but here again you give folks an inch and the next thing you know they'’re frozen in a permanent state of surprise. This practice is most common in the Southern states as well as certain parts of Long Island but it is never acceptable and should result in the immediate growing of bangs!


VII. Thou shalt not wear false eyelashes. Unless you are going to a costume party as a drag queen, fake hair should never come in contact with your body, and that includes those little ones surrounding your eyeballs! No matter how short and stubbly they may be, a lash curler and a few coats of heavy-duty mascara will fix you up just fine. Fake lashes in real life betray a subconscious desire to headline in Vegas and only help you out from a distance of at least 10 feet.


VIII. Thou shalt not wear glitter on one’s face. In fact, all body parts should remain glitter-free as a matter of practice. I realize a few years ago girls thought it would be cute to add a little sparkle to their club gear, but a 30-year-old who looks like she just got slapped in the face with a kindergarten art project has passed sexy and landed in stupid. Make-up should enhance one's natural beauty, not affect a supernatural incandescence.


IX. Thou shalt not covet thy girlfriend's eyeliner. Well alright, you can covet it, but for God's sake don't use it. Ya'll just don't know how many germs are floating around in your eyelids. Now if you are in a truly desperate situation (and I mean you have just seen your Ex walk into the bar, you'’ve left your make-up bag at work and your emergency kit is too big for your tiny new designer handbag) you should only use the eye make-up of your best girlfriend, cause chances are she got her eye goop from you the last time she borrowed your liner in an act of desperation.


X. Thou shalt not leave home without your face on. I'm not saying you need the full treatment or anything, but a little cover-up and lip gloss will go a long way, and I mean you never know who you'’re gonna see. Okay maybe not to the gym, and I guess you can have a pass on sick days, but I really cannot think of a single reason to go out into the world with the intent to encounter other folks with an unbalanced complexion. And that's not superficiality, it's just good breeding.