Weekend Plans

I could not be happier that today is Friday and I am leaving the city to visit some very dear friends of mine for a weekend of sunning and gorging!!! I am just too pale for words, which is totally unacceptable for a beach baby like myself. We'll just lay around in the pool, getting out only for feedings every 2-3 hours.

"Why Queenie," you say, "aren't you getting married in a few months? Shouldn't you be dieting like every other bride in America?"

Well darlins', the reason I have bought a BIG ASS wedding dress, is for my BIG ASS of course! Once I am strapped into that thing, you won't be able to tell the size of anything below my waist. I just don't understand these women walking down the aisle in some thin sheath of fabric that clings to every curve. First of all, you're supposed to enjoy the day, not spend it sucking in your stomach for 8 hours worth of pictures. Secondly, and most important, there are very few opportunities in ones adult life to wear a big ol' princess dress (except of course if you are a member of an actual royal family, though today even they opt for big hats over big dresses). Anyway, other than your prom night and your wedding day, dressing like Ballroom Barbie is frowned upon for most formal events, so you'd better take advantage of your God-given right to a train. It's the one time that big thing dragging behind you won't just be your own ass!

My friend P, she told me she weighed more than she ever has on her wedding day and you couldn't even tell! Imagine that ladies, an entire day spent not even caring about the size of your thighs, it's like they're actually invisible! My fat arms are an altogether different story, but I have resigned myself to the fact that some things are beyond even my control. Besides, I have been practicing SPAP (strategic photo arm placement), and I feel confident I can hide the majority of arm excess and the rest, well, that's what an airbrush is for!