All that is wrong with America

Look at this!!! Nicole Richie has gone from a full, healthy idiot to a skinny bitch of moronic proportions! This photo, brought to you by our friends at Star Magazine, is just about the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I mean the girl's skin is actually wrinkling off her body at the ripe ol' age of 24. She is supposed to be some sort of style icon but I don't consider the skeleton look "in fashion."

Now look here. I don't know what is wrong with her parents, but Lionel needs to get his ass off the concert tour and get his daughter to a hospital. And it's not just her. Everyone in Hollywood is dropping pounds like Britney Spears walking with her baby. It's just not normal, I mean grown folks are not supposed to weigh less than 100 lbs! Hell, I can't even recall in the far recesses of my brain when I might have weighed 100 lbs. I may have skipped it altogether.

And of course the real issue here is all the women in middle America modeling themselves after these artificially constructed celebrities. It's like maybe 80 people are setting the bar for body image for 2 billion others. What y'all need to realize is that these skinny folks in the magazines DO NOT EXIST in real life! I mean first of all they are airbrushed nearly beyond recognition and regardless it is their J-O-B to look good. Your j-o-b is to sit in an office all day with poor lighting and recycled air. Your j-o-b does not pay you enough to eat only organic food from the Zone Diet, nor does your office building have a pilates instructor on staff. Your j-o-b does not have spa treatments available 24-hours a day nor could you afford more than an $8 manicure even if it did! Your j-o-b drives you to drink a bottle of cheap wine every night and under no circumstances will the accounting department consider breast implants a viable company expense. Hence my friends, you and I are never gonna look like the people in the magazines, it's just not meant to be.

Not to mention, do you have any idea how miserable these folks must be? I know they have enough money to buy themselves anything they want, but until they buy themselves a cheeseburger they are not gonna be much fun to hang around. I mean y'all know I lasted 8 hours on that cleansing diet until I was mean as a snake and ready to gnaw my own arm off, can you imagine being hungry for years..I mean YEARS! You know someone like Jennifer Aniston hasn't had a piece of cake since puberty and really that is just no way to live! Cause you gotta look at it this way, even if you starve and sweat and struggle into those size 2 jeans - so what? Being stick-thin and starving will win you the ire of every female coworker and little else when you're the assistant to the director of something or another at a small factory in Little Rock. Sweetpotato has confirmed that men like a little meat, hell some men like a lot. The fact that my ass reminds him of two large hams and the big ol' ring on my finger is not merely a coincidence. Honey, you can live a life of deprivation for a photo album that after 15 years, 3 kids, and 50 pounds will make you wanna throw yourself off a bridge, or you can get over it, get yourself a cocktail, and get to celebrating the beauty of having a body that won't blow away with the first strong breeze!