The Skinny Jean

Inspired by the crisp, comfortable weather this weekend, I decided to get a jump on my fall wardrobe for the first time since, well, ever really. And so I'm attempting to find my perfect pair of jeans and instead am confronted with the same horror I witnessed last year. Apparently all my petitions were ignored because lining every available shelf and rack was...the skinny jean!

Now look here. I know you stick people look so great in these damn things, and I watched with envy as y'all glided down the street with your skin-tight denim stuffed into your cowboy boots. But speaking as a representative of the pear-shaped portion of the population, can we get the boot-leg back PLEASE!! You see for some, nay, most of America, the hip-to-ankle proportion is rather large, and the skinny leg only serves to highlight the fact that cellulite has made itself a home inside our thighs. And while the Heidi Klums of the world can flaunt their impossibly long limbs, the rest of us are attempting to divert your attention with belled hems and loose seams.

As long as I live I will never understand why fashion designers feel it necessary to be so cruel. They know damn well that about 20 folks in America look good in form-fitting clothing, and all 20 of them are on their catwalks. What the hell are the rest of us supposed to wear? Can't y'all make the runway version for the models and the sidewalk version for the rest of us? Cause you know the only thing worse than skinny jeans on a hanger are skinny jeans on a person that don't need to be wearin' them! You can't let folks decide for themselves, my God, like anyone in the Paramus mall has taste enough to dress appropriately.

I don't care how out of fashion it makes me, I cannot in good conscience don any leg but the wide leg, so this season I may be out of the loop, but when the bell-bottom recycles for the 5th time in 30 years I will be ahead of the curve!