People's Most Beautiful

Okay, everybody got their copy of People Magazine? If we can all turn to page 66, and let's begin.

Now I'm not gonna talk about everyone, I mean there are some right nice lookin' folks in there. No HUGE surprises, but many over-done faces, to be sure.

The Jolie-Pitt fam, I mean seriously, did they need 4 pages of desert picnic? Just let them go be weird in foreign nations, enough already.

Disappointments: Lindsay Lohan...come on guys, she's never going to go away if you keep putting pictures of her everywhere! Same with Jamie Foxx. He's having trouble fitting his head through doorways as it is, if his ego gets any bigger, I fear for the safety of those around him.

Of course Eva Longoria, another big head they're inflating. Jessica Simpson, big surprise.
Now Isaiah Washington, there's a new face and a very nice one I might add. And his Grey's Anatomy buddy, Patrick Dempsey. Nice to see the editors have some sense of taste, the oddly textured suit he's wearing, not withstanding.

And then, a bunch more pretty people you'd expect to see, the athletes, blah blah.

And the on to the mothers and daughters. It's sad when a beautiful woman has unfortunate-looking children isn't it. Poor Vanessa Williams' middle daughter, she must look like her father. You know Christie Brinkley's kid with Billy Joel curses her genetics everyday.

Can we please stop with Julia Roberts? I mean she was tolerable back in the cutesy Pretty Woman days, but 18 films and the same character later, she's really one of those folks who wouldn't be attractive if she weren't famous, and she still walks like trunk driver.

And let's hear it for Kirstie Alley who really looks fabulous. However, in her little blurb it mentions going on Oprah in November in a bikini and I'd like to give a word of caution here. It's great that you've lost 64 lbs. and all, but unless you plan on losing another 60 you need to keep yosef covered up cause the minute you go baring your cellulite on national television, you lose all points for weight you've lost and American will zone in on what you've got left!

All in all, People didn't venture too far out of the box on this one. No need to rush out to the newsstands, but I'd still pick up an issue;-)

Commuter Etiquette

The is a message to Subway riders everywhere. No wait, so as not to exclude suburbanites in this tirade, this is really good insight for anyone who uses any type of public transportation, visits amusement parks, or even leaves their home from time to time.

Public transportation is not just for your personal use. One might think this an obvious statement, but then, one might not have suffered through a slow, suffocating ride beside a woman who has confused a train car with her living room. This is not about you getting to stand where you want, how you want, with as much space as you want. It is about getting as many folks to work as quickly as possible. If you need your own space, you need to get in your own personal car and drive your happy ass down the highway. Oh, you don't have a car? Well that's because you can't afford it after spending all your money on the obnoxiously large (and hideously ugly) Louis Vuitton bag that is taking up the entire seat next to you, so I can't sit down.

Also, and this even more generalizable, if you see folks standing in a line, chances are you will have to WAIT!! Big surprise, you are not the only person who has to be at work at 9 o'clock. If we are all waiting our turn, you can wait too. The fact that you have a presentation this morning and overslept is not my problem. I saw the most fabulous sign yesterday, and though I'd like to take credit for it, my fashion consultant will call me out, so I might as well admit it now. Anyway it read:

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Now those are words to live by.

Y'all need to get yourselves together and get your asses out the door earlier or something, cause this shoving folks around in your frenzy to catch the next train is just too much. You can't possibly want to get to work that bad, and if you do I need your job!

Finally, when it comes time to exit the train or bus, know that other folks are getting off too, again your travel route is not singular. If you WAIT a second for the people in front of your to get off, you won't have to charge through the masses knocking folks over with your ugly-ass handbag. Basically, no matter what your momma told you, when it comes to commuting you are not special. You will get there the same time as everybody else and if you don't like it then move, quit, or invest in an automobile.

Most Beautiful?

Oh dear God, I heard the MOST disturbing thing EVER this morning.... People Magazine's annual Most Beautiful People issue comes out this Friday, and they have named...

RYAN SEACREST!!!

Just kill yo-sef.

I mean seriously. Is he not already the most obnoxious human being to slither across the face of the earth? In fact, I imagine the serpent in the garden bore a striking resemblance to this smarmy ego-maniac. And now People Magazine has gone a validated his already inflated sense of self.

You know he's going to be positively intolerable for the rest of the American Idol season. Makes me wonder what's happening in the world when a talent-less DJ can rise to television fame with a few condescending comments and well-placed photos in a gossip rag. Well, really it makes me wonder why the hell I'm not famous, but then, the world isn't a fair place, now is it?

So, let's just be on the look-out for the new People Magazine and we'll have a full discussion of the good, the bad, and the totally ridiculous on Friday!

Hit List

Hmmm, so either my readers are such lovely folks that they bear no ill will, or they are just too damn lazy to email a response! Now don't get all morally hoity-toity, I don't mean we're actually gonna go impale they eyeballs on toothpicks or anything. I'm just tryin to help you fulfill your real celebrity fantansies!

okay, I'll go first...Queenan's Celebrity Hit List

1) Tom Cruise - for all the aforementioned reasons, including but not limited to: being a Scientology freak, not believing in the power of prescription medication, being a closeted homosexual who buys off young actresses to try and prove his straightness, jumping on couches like a total fool, and mostly for doing all of this because he has made a go-gillion dollars playing the same cocky hot-shot-with-a-chip-on-his-shoulder to an overall mediocre level for the past 20 years.

2) Angelina Jolie - and I'm not even gonna go there about the stealing of husbands cause that don't make no nevermind in Hollywood. I would however like to stab her in the eye for forgetting that she is a relatively insane, basically ok actress, not a US ambassador or foreign head of state. I would also like to remind her that African nations are in no way superior to America for childbirth and that she is, in fact, an American who has made her fortune making movies for Americans so a little allegiance would be nice.

3) Mariah Carey - congrats on dropping a few pounds but that's no reason to bare your midriff at all times. You are too old for the crop-top...for the love of God, PUT ON A JACKET!

4) Lindsay Lohan - you are not funny, you are not sexy, you sucked on SNL and you need to either get into rehab or simply go away because if I see one more picture of you coked out in stiletto heels and a see-through top, I will stab myself in the eye.

5) Jessica Simpson/Kristin Cavallari - both of you, either of you, whatever. One dumb blond bitch is enough don't you think? Stop with the "feuding" and the posing. Kristin, your 15 minutes were up an hour and a half ago, and Jessica, well you better get in that recording studio if you're gonna keep yourself in Louis Vuitton, cause playing the selfish ditsy newlywed doesn't really fly after you get rid of your husband.


See, that wasn't so hard was it? The list is subject to change as new gossip emerges and I tire of hating these folks. but, as always, feel free to jump in at any time!

Dear Queenan asks....

What celebrity would you most like to STAB IN THE EYE and why?

Email your answers to info@dearqueenan.com today. Wittiest and/or best answer will be posted (anonymously or not, depending).

And no using Tom Cruise because A) it's too easy and B) y'all know he's already on my list.

In fact, I shall be creating the Dear Queenan Hit List (working title), which I think will be a weekly accounting of all those people I would like to stab in the eye. Your input is always appreciated, of course, so please remind me of any ridiculous celebrity figures that need to be publicly mocked, lest I have a senior moment and let one slip.

Social Diva

I know you're thinking..."2 posts in one day, oh Dear Queenan how much you must love us!"
And of course I love you my darlings, but you know nothing short of extreme self-promotion could prompt me to fire up my fingers twice in three hours.

In addition to being the leading expert on life, love and the pursuit of carbohydrates, I have added Social Diva my resume. I am the newest blogging Diva for Social Diva, a website dedicated to helping Divas find the most fabulous things to do in their areas of the country.

So now you can also track my adventures by visiting the Social Diva Blog.

Y'all know it's just an excuse to try cocktails at every available venue, but if I can guide some clueless wannabe socialite to the best bars in the City, I will consider it time well spent!

Poor Kid

Sometimes I have so many things to say I just don't even know where to begin!!! So I'm gonna try and focus on the most pressing issue of today....the birth of TomKitten. You know I hate Tom Cruise with a burning passion (I can't even watch Top Gun anymore without remembering what a psychotic lunatic he's become), so I don't really wish him well. I do, of course wish good things for his child, not that I believe it's his BIOLOGICAL child, because I think he's an impotent asshole, but all the same I could never wish ill on a newborn.

Now I can't wait to get the details on the birth. I mean, seriously, if a woman can actually pull off being silent while squeezing a watermelon through her thighs, well then she's a better woman than I. You know I haven't even had a baby, but am anticipating much screaming and thrashing about when I do.

And what the hell is this name Suri? And the "spokesperson" saying it means "princess" in Hebrew. Ummm....so all this Scientology crap has been for nothing, and now you're a Jew? Why not name her from their own "religion," maybe something like Alien.

At least now the tabloids can stop covering their issues with pictures of fat Katie, my god, full-term pregnancy is not the time to be photographed!

Well good luck little Suri, your future has all the makings of a t.v. movie complete with brainwashing, running away, teen pregnancy, disownment and divorce. Just make sure to take good notes, it'll help your therapist;-)

Comments now accepted

Now I know I might not seem like someone who's very open to suggestions, but that is just not the case. I mean, I don't really accept criticism of my wardrobe, hairstyle, lifestyle, or attitude, okay so maybe not suggestions, but I do appreciate commentary.

I bet there have been more than a few of my postings you read and thought...Bravo! or Hell Yeah! or That's girl's crazy! So I'd like to encourage you to post your comments by clicking on the little thing-y at the bottom of each entry. I've removed any restrictions so ya all should be able to do it easily. Feel free to say whatever you like, but be advised that I can comment on your comment and hell hath no fury like Dear Queenan when she's insulted!!

Don't rush summer styles

Okay, the weather is gettin warmer so I'm startin to see folks out and about in their spring attire and I just need to address a few concerns.

First of all, I am from the South, if you haven't picked up on that already, and below the Mason Dixon we live and die by the idea that white can only be worn on your bottom half between Memorial and Labor Days. Period. Now I take issue with this notion because I have some really cute white pants and I hate to limit myself to only 3 months of wear. HOWEVER, I must ask that if you sport your white attire before the official beginning of the summer season that you do so with caution. I mean, don't go all crazy with the white denim mini when the high is only 50-degrees (I don't care if it's April and you've switched your closet out already, find a pair of dark colored pants!). Also, remember that unless you have taken some fabulous Caribbean vacation during the winter (in which case I hate you), your skin is more than likely the color of wall plaster, so white might not be the best choice. It is advisable to delay the release of your starkest attire until it doesn't match your pasty legs.

So white is up to your discretion, but there are a few items of clothing I just saw this past weekend in the park that just had no business being worn yet.

The seersucker suit. Ya'll know I love a man in a little stripped suit, it's positively cotillion-esque, but my friends it is just not appropriate for a mild spring day, and certainly not in the park where folks are lying around in their cut-offs. Seersucker is for endearing yourself to your boss's wife at the 4th of July pic-nic, not for overdressing before it's even hot out!

Shelf-bra halter tops. Now I just love these little things because they're easy and require no undergarments. But now, what happens when you aren't wearing a bra and it gets chilly out, as it's apt to do during the mood swings of spring temperatures? Exactly. It's not really necessary to show your cards, so to speak, this early in the season. I mean leave a little something to the imagination!

Just hold on another month or so darlins', I promise there's still plenty of time for summer fashion.

Who killed Kenny?

Um...hello? As many folks around the country watch American Idol and no one even mentioned the man formerly known as Kenny Rogers last week?!

God Bless Star Magazine, the only responsible journalists in the tabloid press, for callin him out! I mean look at this man. He went from sweet and squinty-eyed to something from Planet of the Apes. He has been lifted beyond recognition and then goes on this show singing some equally unrecognizable and horribly wobbly song, and no one's supposed to notice?

What happened to the Gambler, what was so wrong with Lady? Why do folks like Kenny and Barry Manelow feel it necessary after making hits for all these years, to go out and change their faces and sing dumb new songs. We don't want to hear that crap! We want the classics, for the love of God! To be sure if either of those men started out looking like they do now and singing their new songs, there is no way in hell they ever would have made it.

So again, I'd like to thank Star Magazine and their team of slimy spies for exposing the Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous every week, so that we little people can have aright good laugh!

When Bad Things Happen to Bad People

You know, if you listen to the all the "good" folks in the world, you probably take pity on those folks riddled with tragedy, as well you should. However, don't for a minute forget that sometimes bad things happen to bad people...and that's just fine.

Take for example the day you see your arch-nemesis from high school has submitted her engagement photo to the local newspaper. Of course now that her convenient case of bulemia has been replaced by a dependency on anti-depressants, she looks like the heifer you have always known her to be, and it's okay to revel in the fact that her tricep is as big around as a tree trunk and her fiancee bears a striking resemblance to Lex Luther. It's not your fault she looks just like her momma, who by all accounts is a very unattractive and socially retarded troll of a woman.

** Before anyone threatens me with a libel suit, please note that according to my Royal Legal Council, "TRUTH is an absolute defense in a defamation suit."

In the same way that we rejoice in the misfortunes of Britney Spears, we are by rights allowed to laugh at other stupid individuals whose societal contributions total in negative numbers.

In the holiest of weeks for a couple of the world's major religions, I want to point out that the idea of "turning the other cheek" is most useful so that your foes won't be able to read your lips while you're talking shit about them. I am not a bad person, and it is not my fault that this girl doesn't own enough long-sleeve shirts, so don't go clickin' your tongue at me. I am simply stating the obvious and enjoying every minute of it.

The point is, were she a nice person, I might be able to overlook the unfortunate photo, but she is not a nice person so I don't have to. I'll be just be re-covering my dart board if anyone needs me....

A lesson in BBQ

Well I have returned...I know you were just so worried, but never fear darlins', I will not abandon you...even for the sweet smell of azalea bushes and buttermilk biscuits.

I mean to tell you, it truly is God's country down there, all green and warm without a single high-rise. Sweetpotato gets all upset that I'll be homesick everytime I visit, but blames me for leaving there in the first place. And I say to him, "well if I'd stayed there, you never would have met me," which of course forces him to recognize the great fortune fate has dealt him and leads to professions of love et cetera...but I digress.

So I want ya'll to know I was successful in Sweetpotato's breakfast biscuit conversion. He now sees the light and woke up Saturday morning practically draggin me to the Bojangles. Bless his heart, he still doesn't seem to grasp the Sweet Tea, but I'm thinking I'll give him at least one more visit before he's totally written off.

Not to disappoint anyone, but I didn't have time for as many fried items as I would have liked. I did, however, have a few helpins of Barbeque, which for all you Yankees, is a noun not a verb. In the North, folks throw burgers on a grill and say they're having a barbeque, which was right confusing for a time cause I couldn't see a pig anywhere! So let me break this down for ya.

Havin a "barbecue" means you will be serving pulled pork covered in a vinegar sauce if you are from Eastern N.C, or a spicy BBQ sauce if you're from the West. Sides are coleslaw, boiled new potatoes and hush puppies...ya'll do know what hush puppies are right? Baked Beans and fried chicken are also common additions, but only after coleslaw, potatoes and hush puppies, these are never optional. All barbeque is eaten on paper plates with plastic forks, cause clean-up = throw away.

Ya'll need to just stop with the rib tips and macaroni salad. Just using a grill means you're having a cook-out, and ya'll can just keep that mess, I can get hot dogs from the guy on the street corner, but North Carolina-style barbeque, now there's a lesson in pulled-pork perfection!

It's worth the price of a plane ticket and coupled with a big ol glass of sweet tea, you'll know just why we call it God's country in the Southern part of heaven;-)

Azalea Fest

Well darlins I am off to the land of my birth for a weekend of relaxation and rednecks. Yup, this weekend North Carolina celebrates the Azalea Festival,an event to showcase the beautiful bushes that line every driveway in the South. I am taking Sweetpotato along to show him what a real parade looks like, none of this Irish-folks-walking-around-in-a-cream-colored-sweater crap they have in New York. Oh no, if we know nothing else, Southerners know how to thrown a parade - beauty queens, mini cars, pooper-scoopers and all.

But the real draw of any outdoor event is the street fair. Down South we don't spend so much time on discount clothing and eyewear, like they do in New York. Instead, we focus on crafts and food. I mean if you've ever wanted a wood carving or a crocheted doily, well look no further. And while your shopping you can visit with the dregs of the tri-county area, who have donned their best Budweiser tee-shirt, thrown their dirty kids in a ramshackle stroller, and come to town for a big ol' weekend of corndogs and cloggers (that's kinda like tap-dancing with an extra jingle for you Yanks).

Anyway, my girlfriends and I spent the better part of yesterday outlining all the food venues we will need to patronize. You see, in the South, food exists in 3 states of matter: solid, liquid and deep fried!! I'm talking funnel cakes, fried Oreos, fried onions, you name it, we have fried it. Wash that all down with a giant glass of sweet tea and you have died and gone to a crispy heaven.

So you won't hear from me tomorrow, as the feeding starts early and I can't get off the schedule, but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes next week...providing I haven't been rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped!

Name Game

I need to discuss something that's been bothering me for some time now...baby names. Not because I'm havin one or anything, lord the Queen Mum would have to be hospitalized, but I was just thinking about the ridiculous names folks are calling their kids these days. And I'm not even talking about celebrity babies, I mean Apple, Coco, Rumor, whatever. Celebrities are their own breed of weird, so we can't really factor them in to many equations.

Anyway, did you notice about 5-6 years ago everyone was naming their kid Hunter and Dakota to be "different," so they were probably right surprised when there were 4 other Hunter's their kids preschool class. Same thing went for stupid girl names like Tiffany and Brittany...what the hell kind of names are those, they sound like pop stars and Barbie dolls, not actual people. I mean, are the parents really thinking this through. Children are children for but a moment in the big picture, and can you really see a Grandma Tiffany. Grown folks are simply not named Tiffany. Of course conversely, it's hard to imagine calling an infant Ethel or Gladys like in days of old. But we do spend most of our lives as adults, so Gladys fit right on in by age 18.

Oh yes, and can you stop with the "movie star" names. Amy...A-M-Y, not Aimiee or whatever concoction mommy came up with in her epidural haze. It's like folks are playing word jumble with their kids' names. Why make simple names so difficult, you're only asking for a misprint on every letter, nametag or diploma they receive.

All I'm saying is, give your kid a real name, none of this Harloquin Trash nonsense. Their grandchildren will thank you.

And just when you thought she couldn't sink any lower...

...Terri Hatcher is dating Ryan Seacrest! I mean Teri, honey, we knew you were 'desperate' for attention and all (** see the dress she wore to the Grammy's), but to sink so low as to date the most obnoxious man on television? Now that's feelin' sorry for yourself.

Have you ever met a more arrogant host? It's one thing for Simon to be a prick, I mean he's got the career and the money to back-up his whole asshole image, but Ryan, well exactly what is his talent supposed to be, lobbing inane insults and mocking hopeful singers? Did you see him and the Academy Awards? Rather difficult to interview folks when you have nothing intelligent to ask, right?

So anyway, looks like poor Teri has given up on eye cream and has decided to fight the signs of aging with a younger man. Sorry honey, those bags under your eyes look all the bigger beside your fresh-faced little boy-toy.

But whatever, this is a match made in mediocre heaven. If either of them were less insecure they couldn't possibly be together, but here they can have their egos stroked on the pages of Us Weekly for 15 minutes and then after the publicity frenzy subsides, Teri can cry to Vanity Fair about how he broke her heart. Hell, if he wants to wants to try and prove he's not gay and she doesn't mind those smarmy liver-lips all over her, then more power to 'em.

Would be an excellent plan, were either of them remotely likeable, interesting or newsworthy...guess it was a slow week for tabloid press.